Of love and demons

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How to articulate best the demons that haunt your very being?

I think there is really no right way to put it simply.

Someone who cares for me dearly told me to starve it. Don’t let it feed. But how do you really starve the demons that keep on persisting?

Okay, let’s recap.

About two? three? weeks ago, I decided it was time for me to see a psychiatrist. I have been experiencing very low points and after a long hiatus since 2012, my breakdowns increased. I had three in a week.

It was then that I was clinically diagnosed with depression. The psychiatrist broke down some signs that indicate “chemical imbalances in me”, that cause some changes in my thinking and behavior. Basically the obvious ones: differing eating patterns, dwindling appetite, horrible sleepless nights, demotivation, increasing anxiety, inability to focus, lack of energy to do things I love (dance/ draw/ write/ etc etc), and of course the treacherous breakdowns here and there. I am not really sure what it means entirely though because I feel kind of okay now… literally at this point.

I used to think I am just emotional and my brain is wired odd and weirdly. But I am starting to hate the person I am evolving to be. I look myself at the mirror and I just see a hollow person, with a cloud of sadness over her head.

I know this sounds so negative and gray. And if anything, I really don’t want to sound dramatic. However, I realized I have to be accepting of whatever this is. Because it is rampant and real. And it needs to be addressed.

So in the ways that I can and whenever I find the strength to seclude myself in thought, I find ways to cope by understanding these demons clearly. Just so I can learn how to play them at their own game. 

Having said that, I decided I’ll make some “mental” notes how to starve them entirely. Perhaps.. by noting down some observations and actually writing them all down, I would find ways to battle these pesky demons in the long run.

[1] The Intensity Spectrum and the perception game

Like everything and anything, I have always believed in describing things in spectrums. In the same way, every breakdown that I have been having has its own corresponding gravity and intensity levels that result to a specific effect and change in my behavior.

And I realized it depends on how much I let these demons in inside of me. A play on perception if you must. If I perceive them to be stronger than me, then they will. If I see perceive them as weak, then it’s easier for me to close an eye and ignore them all entirely.

[2] Fuel tank: Trigger points

But what drives these spectrums to churn anyway? What fuels it?

The one obvious reason I have (and the biggest so far) is my dad. Since childhood, there are a lot of fights, violence and psychological dire that has been recurring in and out. I am having a hard time digesting the good in him and the monster in him. It comes and goes.

At first, I thought that was all that triggered it. But I was wrong. It was just the main root of why. Other trigger points I have had seemed to be stemming out from the other web of experiences that may or may not be connected to my dad.

So far, I have learned it could also be linked to my life decisions..

  • like of what I might have been if I pursued this or that, If I didn’t care too much of what other said and pursued social sciences or the art
  • Fear of vulnerability, relationships and paranoia of pain (with platonic and romantic related relationships)
  • Unnecessary self-pressure from building insecurities aka “I am not good enough”

.. so far those are what I have observed. More things might come up, but I am not really sure.

[3] Of love, tiny miracles and silver linings

But despite all these, silver linings still strike. Although they come and go, in those said moments where they do shine, I try to hold onto much light as I can. I have learned that in this process of healing and acceptance, albeit the hardest to do– it should be okay to ask for help. And I am forever thankful for all of the people who still choose to stay in my life.

To my mom and brothers who are always there… making me laugh and encouraging me in all the ways that they can. Even if they don’t know that I am facing this mental challenge at this point, they always try to make me remember that home still exist… the real authentic loving kind of home.

To my best friend and to my good circle of friends who didn’t give up on me (despite my apologetic ditching /lack of energy of going out), for continuously checking up on me (!!!), for extending much soul and empathy, for crying alongside me and sharing much light to me when needed. Those hugs really mattered ok. 

To my boyfriend who exudes so much soul, kindness and warmth even if at times I do push him away. You’re always such a blessing… for your endless flow of empathy, for sharing spaces for vulnerability and most of all for extensively loving all sides of me.

I hope I don’t scare you all one day. For the moment now, I am experiencing a quick silver lining. So I am using this quick time to write and say that you’re all godsent.

I am still a work in progress and I hope to heal in the best ways that I can. (Maybe CBT will help? I have been prescribed to take antidepressants but I really don’t want to take them..).

In any case, if God is radiating His grace through all of you. Thank you. You all don’t know how I am so deeply grateful.

I love you all, my little loving miracles of light and love.

x

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