After a year of recuperating and evading everything that had to do with you, I finally moved on.
And tonight was a true testament of just that. Who knew forgiveness can ever be so beautiful?
Ever since the unfortunate and hurtful incident last year— no, wait. OMG, TWO years ago (hello 2016!), I have been really having a hard time how to heal myself past the hurt, hypocrisy, and madness of the incident.
To put it simply, 2014 NYE was probably the worst I’ve ever had, (next to 2012).
But I am really so happy to welcome 2016, with a new found heart, soul and mind.
For one, ironically, as time passed, it took so much more effort for me to stay mad (and I rarely get mad). Holding grudges seemed so much harder! Weirdly, I found it easier to be just my normal cheery self. But don’t get me wrong. There’s still hurt, as there are really things we really cannot just forget. However, after all the challenges I have been through since, I know it always gets easier through time.
You see it’s a weirdly angled cycle. You get mad. Go through some deep !@#$%^ of denial and intense anger. Then you feel absolutely distorted and disappointed. After some time, you train yourself to turn all your emotions off. You start to get callous. Then the worst of all, you start to feel absolutely nothing— *apathy at its finest. But because of lack of closure—once you see the person once again, something stirs up.
So that’s why, I was dreading all the big family reunions because as usual, I wanted to escape. I wanted to hide behind my usual apathetic self. But like I said, it got easier through time. So instead of wallowing in my little corner and evading (like I always do), I tried to initiate. I made the first move. And I tell you, I have never felt genuinely better. I felt lighter and a lot braver in a sense.
I mean, things aren’t still the same. However, amidst all the casual hello’s, how are you’s and hi’s, it feels so great to have this burden finally off my chest. It’s nice to have finally put things to rest, and just.. let go. This time, I chose forgiveness. It’s time to throw kindness around like confetti!
So cheers to new beginnings this 2016!
I used to think that making new year resolutions is a total joke/ corny/ cheesy (I hate cheesy things. Never good at expressing feelings shizzz). But I think it’ll be nice to put it in perspective. So far, I made a vow to conquer 2016 with grit + courage.
There’s so much things to look forward to this year— from finishing my master’s degree, to hopefully finding a job abroad (? If meant to be, God-willing), to acting more on empathy + kindness and of course to pursuing a more creative lifestyle!
I have been starting the year with reading new books and immersing myself in learning new things. To be specific, I have been actively focusing on meditating actually (Thank you, Thich Nhat Hanh!!! Been reading his book on Peace is Every Step and following his advice of walkingggggg as if I am kissing the earth with my feet!), exploring peace, and feeling the wondrous space and time of everything around me! Been connecting with good old friends, bonding with family, running like crazy, meditating, writing, reading on poetry!
So much excitement in store for 2016. Though, I must admit that I am still scared— of both the uncertainty and unknown. But I hope to stir the brave in me to face the year barenaked. Stripping down all expectations and just looking forward to experience everything in its sincere, natural, beautiful form.
It’s been such a ride, 2015. You’ve been both hella crazy and good. xx