Ending 2015, a little less wide eyed, less curious, less brave.
It’s true though what they say? When you get thrown out to the world and reality starts to hit you strong– so hard and fast that you won’t even see it ever coming right at you.
Well, I guess that’s the little secret of life isn’t it? The uncertainty, the uncharted adventures to the unknown, the paradox of life’s beautiful (but haunting) impermanence.
But this is precisely why, every now and then, we got to just pause.
I hate to say it but the world has clouded me in so many levels, as I am becoming more and more jaded. To the point that I started forgetting what matters most to me–be it in my convictions, creative journey, passion, work ethics.. So much have changed!
This year has been full of growth for me (in all aspects). And I can’t stress how grateful I am for the experience so far– for all the good and the bad.
Living alone isn’t at all easy. It’s really quite a challenge– being away from your family, your friends, your baby (my dog haha), your comfort zone, and your security blanket? It says it all. Not to mention the obstacles of time management, art of asking, and change. And most importantly, the concept of truly going— ‘ADULTING’.
And I go– OH okayyy. So this is really what everyone is saying. That stage of transitioning to become one hella of a responsible adult. From paying your bills on time to starving myself on a salad budget (for the lack of time and *cough* saving money) to juggling work internships & school to experiencing another hopeless case of an ‘almost’, it’s been really a whirlwind experience.
Oddly enough, I love it though. I guess because I have finally gotten the freedom and liberation I have long since craved for.
And it outweighed everything.
But wait. Let’s hit the pause button a little.
Amidst all the happy liberation and freedom feeling of being truly independent, I had a semi-break down moment of assessing my inner self and being for a bit.
Call it a daily ‘self-check’ or what. I am weirdly wired like that.
But I realised something, at one point. I really need to start re-evaluating myself a little. Because there are two things I am facing right now:
- The paradoxical duality of the familiar and foreign, the inner struggle of being. The waging war of new and old—what part of me should I let go? What part of me should I accept? Moving in a new environment allowed me to rediscover new parts of myself that never existed. I am not so sure how to marry my old self to my new self.
- The concept of forgetting. Approximately eight months out of university and I feel like the world has already disheartened me in so many levels. I am losing in touch with my creative journey. (I’ll maybe talk about this next time.)
Anyway, so what now?
It’s so hard to comprehend the multitude of changes that I’ve been to (or still going through) from the last couple of months. And this inner struggle is never ending. And for the past week that I’ve been contemplating, I started to lose my senses bit by bit. How the heck can I fuse two versions of myself together?
or better yet, how far am I willing to let go of who I was to welcome who I am becoming?
I have done things I ain’t proud of. I traded some of my convictions because of impulsive feelings (and/or actions). I am becoming more apathetic. My faith’s getting more and more twisted. I brought down my guard walls too early. I lie more than I should (! shame !, and I tell myself I am a truth seeker. Sigh). I don’t feel guilt as much anymore. My moral compass is starting to get real shitty. I am losing in touch with my college best friend. I am failing to juggle my online business with my studies and work. I am letting myself feel more than I should.
Sigh, change is indeed a scary thing.
Hey! But don’t get me wrong, there are still some good ones though. I still have my own fair share of little victories. My #goforgrowth mantra has been keeping me sane for the past months. I took on the bravery amour and found myself a fulfilling internship job. I am learning something new everyday from masters/ school. I am becoming more spontaneous and less of a schedule freak. I am becoming more resilient. I am trying to get over some vulnerabilities. I am now less of a hermit (I actually go out more). I am perfecting my art of asking. I made new friends. I cook more now (I was able to perfect cooking steak once. once). My laundry batches are becoming more successful now haha. (yassss!)
Amidst all this though, I admit I still haven’t got it all figured it out. I don’t know how I’ll resolve this all together come 2016. But I guess for now, I just have to learn how to accept myself in ways that I should. I mean this is all part of growing up right? You get to hit your foot right at that horrid gutter and fall down. But then you choose to get back up anyway.
It’s so weird though isn’t it? The feeling of getting re-introduced to yourself? But I think slowly, for me to move on and figure this all out, I got to accept the fact that things do change. Change is largely inescapable. So really, it’s just a matter of response now. How versatile will I be with these changes? Up to what extent will I be able to adapt into it?
I remember this relevant quote by Bruce Lee, where he said to be like water. In order to adapt, take the sheer form of water. The way it flows, it crashes, it shifts. Shape shift your existence and revel the flow form of your inner being by be-ing water.
And I think that’s it really. To be like water.
But like anything else, I have to be first totally okay with all this. The honest form of coming to terms with your truest feelings is key for acceptance. Sometimes it’s really okay, not to be okay.
And it’s okay to feel scared a little bit.
It’s okay to not know what to do.
It’s okay to be overwhelmed.
Because it is at these stages where in, we get to be one step closer with our ability to shift perspective. Naturally, growth compliments change, so I have to start embracing this surge onto the unknown if I am truly going for it.
Change is scary, yes. But its paradoxical duality of being feared and outright beautiful makes up for it in the end.
Treat it as life’s little tease of transience that keeps us going. After all, we got to give everything we’ve got to defy the odds.
So if you’re like me, where in growth is what you crave for and fear is what you need to overcome, take heart my friend. Let light pull you through.