So today folks, I just attended an economic/investment seminar.
After the session…
I got home looking like this…
All I remember was a bunch of colorful charts and graphs with teeny weeny numbers here and there. Add that with a number of high ranking corporate people and the guy sleeping so soundly beside me.
I haven’t felt confused in the longest time, let alone feel awkward. But hey, don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against the corporate world nor investments, bonds, stocks or what not. In fact, in all honesty, I really want to learn more about it. It’s one of my weird goals to learn how to read those moving, roving numbers in Bloomberg channels.
But it is really weird on how today’s seminar went. It led me to thinking of what I really wanna do after I graduate. I thought about my age—- well my “adult” age and contemplated about my life in general, and spaced out in some random things.
So well this pretty much sums up what happend in my head during those two grueling hours of pies, charts, numbers and graphs:
1.) I don’t know what the heck I am doing in my college course (Management of Applied Chemistry). Except for the fact that I’ve been somehow forced to take this as my majors, via my parents and the whole philosophy of the Chinese way of thriving into businesses and making money.
2.) I don’t know why I didn’t fight for what I really wanted– Arts.
3.) I don’t know why I am still here and why I am still continuing this so.
4.) I have no idea what I am going to do after college. Will I pursue the arts or go into the corporate world?
5.) I don’t think I fit in here. Where do I really belong?
6.) Someone told me today that I will understand the whole essence of business, when I reach the age of 30 and grow up. He said I was too idealistic. Uhm, do i really have to grow out of it?
7.) Work here is just work. And yes, it’s all about the money.
8.) But fffff. Will I? Will I ever stop being an idealist? Yes, I know someday I would need to pay the bills. I would need to provide for my family. I would need to do things to get needs and well, survive. BUT HOLD ON, I want to do all these things with dignity. I want to achieve all that feeling joyful.
9.) I still believe in my mantra that work is play. I want to be able to wake up and feel like I am working but I am not. Precisely, because I enjoy my work and I don’t have to curse getting up early in the morning to go to work.
10.) Okay wait, I feel stupid. I really don’t get what the speaker was saying. All I heard was….
After that, my mind just went pitch black.
So there, that pretty much sums it all up.
I basically really am feeling lost and I don’t know what to do.
The future scares me. The idea of it all begins to engulf me whole, as the minutes pass by. Aside from that, I feel like everything is catching up on me. And I am lagging behind. Moreover, I am not really sure how to gauge my feelings on this, on why it became so, and on why it just won’t go away.
Sometimes I wish things could be much more simpler, just a little bit. But God does things in mysterious ways, He has His own way of leading and finding.