So here we are again.. Father’s day.
I feel like the most horrible person on this planet. I feel like I have no point of existence and I haven’t fully practicing what my faith or what I believe in.
And I tell you, it sucks. It gets tiring to hide what you truly feel sometimes. And worse, it gets tiring to pretend that everything is back to normal, like nothing ever did happen and everything is still pretty much “a- okay”.
Ever since that devastating incident happend, I don’t think I am fully healed. I still can’t accept the hurt he did to the our whole family (again). Added to this, I don’t think I can ever forget all the crying stuffy red … emo faces I witnessed or the endless torture of emotional/physical abuse we experienced all through the years. I really don’t know. Sometimes I think my life is like some overused tv show drama or teleserye, but oh well, life is life. I still can’t muster up the courage to forgive. I am having a hard time removing all the shackles and memories of the past. I feel stuck and I don’t know where to start.
Even though, yes, I am clinging on to faith and praying to my only real Father up there… I still haven’t found the heart to let things go, to forgive. Because the last time I truly did, he wasted my trust (again). Out of my 21 years of existence, conflicts never seemed to end— such torture. And yes, even though I got over that suicide goodbye world episode, I am honestly still miserable. Well, okay, maybe not all the time. But I can’t deny really that whatever feeling is there… (may it be hatred, frustration, depression or anger) is still there. Although the intensity of all these feelings may not be as strong as it were before, I can’t shrug the truth off—- that all of it still exist.
So there, why am I typing this on this “supposedly” wonderfully celebrated Father’s Day?
… Because I feel ABSOLUTELY GUILTY.
Last month, I did this wonderful surprise gift kit to my mom for her birthday. But before her birthday, my brothers and I went on making cards and stuff for her as well. In short, we really did exert a lot of effort for putting all that together. We created a event where people could send her letters, messages, video messages from all around the world. We made a AVP video of her baby pictures, growing up and everything. It was really special. We read her a super cute children’s story about love too. Hence, everything was really planned– down to the littlest detail.
And now, I can’t help but feel absolutely guilty for not doing anything.. AT ALL.
Well, I could.
I could pretend again and give him some hallmark card (kidding..)
or write some cheesy letter and card
or make breakfast for the family tomorrow
or make videos again
or give him DIY gifts (even though there’s a chance he won’t really appreciate it)
But I don’t know. I still would feel like crap even if I did.
I don’t feel the realness of it (or the point of doing so). I don’t feel sincere.
So there, see. I am a horrible person and I am beginning to despise myself again.
No matter how I read bible verses to comfort me, or listen to the our church pastor talking about forgiveness, learning how to let go, embracing change and hope… I couldn’t. I really can’t bring myself to. And this is really a huge issue for me. Because aside from feeling so guilty towards my dad, I also feel so bad towards God.
I have let Him down again.. and again.. and again.
But one thing I promise I won’t do (of course), I won’t go the medicine cabinet again or do some crazy stuff. I am over that phase.
However, I still admit. Death haunts me in so many ways. Although I am not meaning this quite literally, it still has its ways of pulling me to down, of making me feel absolutely weak and sad all over again— which I really want to get over for good.
But when? When will I start feeling REALLY okay? When can I let myself accept everything and move on? How will I be able to gain that courage and strength to forgive again?
or a better question is .. How will I be able to gain faith to forgive repeatedly. How do I embody what I learned from Christ? How do I become more Christ-like?
Well amidst this all, I am trying my hardest not to give up just yet. I am still a work in progress. And while I still am, I will be repeating my power verse again and again.
I am not a quitter.
or at least, I am trying to tell my so.
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”-Philippians 4:13