I know I haven’t kept my promise of regularly updating my blog. And, I feel bad about it. This blog has been existing for several years now, and has become a great outlet for my feelings and insights– no matter how random, deep or nonsense it maybe. Nonetheless, I am still a work in progress/frustrated blogger/writer, who still is continually seeking for the great perhaps, the great purpose.
A couple days ago was my birthday. For days, I have been frustrated and so worried about the fact that I am … indeed turning twenty. The transition of my then age and now made me realize so many things about the life I have been living. If the approximation of existence will only reach a maximum of about eighty years (though I wanna reach A HUNDRED HAHAHHA), then it only means I already lived 1/4 of my life! I know it can be quite shallow for some, it really made me really think of the way I have been carrying myself out for the past years. Have I indeed lived a life worthy enough of its existence? Turning a year older—- doesn’t necessarily mean I am going to be immediately “one year wiser” (like the jingle birthday song goes haha). It means so much more. Sure, in the end of the process, i might be. But it’s not immediate, there are definitely more hurdles you might have to take before reaching the light of epiphanies — of indeed being holistically “Wiser”.
(My younger cousin let me borrow her lovely Princess crown. I feel like a kid.)
So there, sometimes I wish I make time still and fly to NEVERLAND.
Find my own Peter Pan and whisk away with Tink’s pixie dust, fly through lagoons and mermaids all day long. HAHAHAHA. But well, that’s not the case. I feel so much pressured right now to step up my game. I am about to gain more responsibilities and take larger roles. But out of all these things, I know I am still not in control of my life. Sadly. There are so so many things I want to do in my way, and make it happen in the way that I imagined it to be, or the way I wanted it to be like. But I realized it’s nothing more compared to the better plan God has in store for me.
I might have been distant with Him, and again on and off with my faith. And I guess I am still working on it. I occasionally forget to pray now, some because of tiredness but… some sadly because of pure ignorance. I want to be able to get on track again.
My birthday made me realize so much more about my own existence in the world. As much as I thought that the only way to define my own existence is through the faith I have and uphold to, People in general define it too in a way. All the birthday greetings and kind messages people gave me yesterday, made me realize that they too define my existence. They are the ones mediating the kind of life I live. And the way people made me feel, the care and all the sweet gestures made me realize my part in the world. I am an insecure girl. From my rocket shaped nose, to my open pores to my stubby hands, bucked tooth and to my webbed visible leg veins, I find myself awkward, in terms of presenting myself as a whole. I am not solely containing my insecurities into the physical outward ones of my body though. A large chunk of it is quite internal, the way I see myself in the world. The biggest biggest insecurity and road block I have is my confidence and belief in myself. It’s really hard to feed myself the information that I am worth it. That I am who I am and That’s it. I am slowly working on that too this year. That’s why when I have opportunities to perhaps “boost” that confidence of mine, I usually take it. Biggest regret is not, one of which is not continuing and fighting for the interview I supposed to have for ORSEM. To be part of Ateneo’s HYPED UP TEAM, the TNT. who becomes the ultimate individuals who interacts with the incoming freshies. I took it as a large outlet to find myself as well as do what I love to do– making people happy and serving them the best way that I could. (I don’t mind if you let me dance the banana for you the whole day, as long as I make you happy). Something like that.
But that’s the thing. This is sort of a self “Re-launch”. Everything is at its rebirth. A year older, another year set for finding the great perhaps! (like I said) and finding myself really in the process. RIght now, I am slowly building myself up, being in the littlest ways possible (like stoping my drawing hiatus and officially post my drawings again, and draw draw draw even more.) With all this said, I hope I’ll get to that point of sheer enlightenment soon enough. All it takes now, is my response, my own choice to make that a leap of Faith. Let my faith truly be anchored to his will. Whatever it may be.